Thanks to lack of time and I guess, having to churn out new article ideas at work on a daily basis, my well of ideas for this blog has just about run dry. To remedy this, I decided to search for easy blog post ideas to shoot out, because honestly, I don’t have the brain capacity to write anything overly complicated at the moment haha.
Which is precisely how this blog post came to be. I picked out “What are some things that most people don’t know about you?” from this list.
It seems fun enough, and hey, I don’t need to bother with taking pictures either. A win-win situation, I say 😀
So with that introduction out of the way, lettuce move on to the list.
I actually dislike being close to people
Even though I like having friends just like everyone else, I also dislike (or fear?) being close to people. I really, really do. And it is because of this quality that it takes me an exceptionally long time to open up to someone, let alone consider them my friend.
To grant you perspective on how long it takes for me to consider someone a friend: years. I’m really not joking about this. I think it took me maybe 3-4 years of solid communication with my current best friend to consider her as such.
So while I might make a show of being nice and friendly to someone, the truth is that I might not be that interested in being friends. At least, this was true in the past; it no longer is now. In the past, this can be shown in how I’d purposely sabotage chances at friendship by using humour to maintain distance and by claiming I have no interests outside of eating and sleeping (Funnily enough, people never cottoned on to this and just believed me). This is an issue that I’m working on, and I’m already seeing the fruits of my labour. My interactions are now more genuine, and I’ve gotten to know more and more interesting people- something that I see as a blessing. That said, even though I’ve stopped joking and making such claims, change can’t be made overnight, because I still hold back in one way or another.
I believe I’ve changed a lot, though, so I look forward to making more friends with time. My own need for space/fear of vulnerability is a hurdle, but it’s not impossible to overcome. Because I do want to change, and I know that once I set my mind to something, I can make it happen. 🙂
I’m a (recovering) commitment phobe
This is a funny one because people usually peg me for an asexual, a man-hater or a lesbian- because you know… it’s so unnatural to see an “Asian” woman who is still single past the age of 25. Especially when the majority of the Malaysian population wants nothing more than to settle down early (I will never understand this mindset but w/e works for them, I suppose).
The asexual conclusion might have some merit to it because for the longest time, I felt like I was borderline ace. But I guess if you look even deeper into the issue, I’m probably commitment phobic. Well, a recovering commitment phobic now.
I used to look at relationships with a sense of repulsion, the thought of marrying someone the equivalent of being sentenced to death, and having children a form of imprisonment. This is no longer the case now, but again, change does not happen overnight because I’m still not in a rush to jump into a relationship. If it happens, great. If it doesn’t happen, also great. I’ve been with myself long enough to feel comfortable with it, and I certainly don’t need a partner to feel complete.
Sorry for not having a more marriage-oriented mindset, mom. I know you’ve been wanting grandkids for ages now.
I sometimes envy those who belong to one racial category
Don’t take this the wrong way. I’m immensely proud of my mixed heritage- it is just that sometimes, sometimes I wish I could feel that instant sense of community that comes with those who belong to the same category. Feeling like the odd one out has always been something I’ve struggled with since I was a child; I don’t look like everyone else, I don’t have an in depth understanding of certain cultures, etc. It certainly doesn’t help that my interests tend to deviate from the mainstream and that I don’t have a more Asian mindset.
At the end of the day, though, I feel thankful for being different. I get to enjoy different cultures/celebrations, there is a stronger familial bond in my family (I guess it’s because we’re the only ones like each other?), and I get to escape from cultural expectations.
Yes, it can be hard to feel like I truly belong sometimes, but once you look beyond race and just try to get along with people for who they are instead of what they are, it’s fine.
I have a fear of becoming fat
Hahaha. While I’m not the type to obsess over my calorie intake, I do have a fear of becoming fat- and especially becoming unhealthy. Honestly, seeing the number of older people who are out of shape and struggling to even move is enough motivation for me to change my lifestyle. So in an effort to prevent myself from suffering the same fate, I’ve cut down on fast food, pretty much greasy food in general and sugar in my diet. I’ve also been taking more fruits, grains and vegetables.
So far, I’ve enjoyed the benefits of having more energy and a smaller appetite.
I sometimes miss eating whatever I want, but as I get more and more used to this style of eating, I no longer crave junk food as much as I used to.
I regret how long it took me to realise what I want to do
This will always remain my biggest regret. If I had just taken Japanese classes 4 years ago when I wanted to, I would’ve been 4 years into the language instead of just half a year now. And I would have probably realised my calling much earlier, thereby saving myself a lot more time.
Alas, this wasn’t what happened. But that’s alright, I suppose. In a way, I learned a lot more lessons that I needed to in that one dead-end job I was stuck in, and grew mentally and emotionally because of it. Something that might not have happened if I had just gone on with Japanese from the get-go, and it is really, in my point of view, more valuable to me than a skill. Personal growth has always been something I hold in high regard, so I guess time and Japanese are the trade-offs in order to get that.
Which is fine, but it still sucks hahaha. This is something I’ve accepted and have decided to make do with what I have.
Which also explains the insane amount of things I do during my free time. Filling up my schedule is my way of making up for lost time.